**~ So you think you deserve the brownie? ~**

Sunday, January 09, 2005

sobz!!

was act in a v gd mood... coz juz finished helping my ma cleaning up de kitchen... de once a yr big dusting u noe... so was feelin exceptionally accomplished n proud of myself n settled in front of my comp 2 type my presentation (yet ANOTHER one) due next wed... BUT, i had 2 be stupid n start reading other ppl's blogs... BAD MISTAKE... now i feel totally n i mean TOTALLY down... sorta like admiring de rising sun on mt everest one min and jumping off it de next min? juz discovered it's been a long long time since i perused my frens' blogs and m feeling extremely guilty for not having done it sooner... many things seem 2 be happening ard me, but obviously i'm too blind 2 see them... like a horse wif blinkers... seem 2 be able 2 see wat's in front of me only...

realized tt i haf been neglecting many many great frens... busy sch life now feels like an excuse for my neglection... haven been toking 2 them n now our depth of communication seem 2 be limited 2 a baby pool instead of de great pacific ocean... neva meant 4 dis 2 happen n m sorry tt it's STARTING 2 happen... or izzit juz me hu's feelin dis way? was once told by a v v close fren tt we've known each other 4 so long n so well tt regular contact is no longer needed 4 us 2 maintain de closeness of our frenship, which i had agreed heartily den... but now, i'm not tt sure... pple change, n i HAVE changed... at least i feel tt way... i'm no longer de same jo 18mths ago b4 i joined NYP n altho others may not haf realised it, there haf been subtle changes 2 my personality n how i view de world...

used 2 show much sympathy 4 all de unfortunate or tragic events tt happened ard me, n was appalled when i was younger by myself when i realised tt i cld not "feel" for ppl whom i'm supposed 2 feel sorry for n console... of coz i knew they were feeling v upset n down, but i juz cldn't feel WITH them... told another fren once... when something bad happens 2 someone, u can't expect me 2 empathize wif u... coz i DON'T KNOW how to... despite how de sch lects tried 2 inculcate empathy in all of us, 2 me, it's only theory... how can i put myself in ur shoes when i'm not experiencing wat u r gg thr? wat happened 2 u did NOT happen 2 me!! how de hell can u expect me 2 show tt i understand? always feel like a hypocrite when i'm supposed 2 console someone n tell them tt i UNDERSTAND. i understand tt u're sad now. i understand tt u need someone 2 be wif u or help u. i understand tt i can BE the someone. but i'll never understand wat u're gg thr. unless i went thr it myself. perhaps tt's de reason i cldn't feel much when de tsunami hit. i noe de victims muz be devastated n grief-stricken, n i muz help them. i DID help them. in monetary terms... it wasn't an obligation to donate wateva i can 2 them, but somehow, they seem to be hundreds n thousands of miles away fr me n as i listen 2 ppl toking abt how sad it is n expressing their condolences, i'm sorry, but i juz can't relate to tt. if u're in any trouble, u're more than welcum to call me. i'll help u in any way i can n offer u advice if u need it, but don't expect me to UNDERSTAND wat u're gg thr. i've always tot tt i'm v emotionless n self-centred bcos of dis, but i've realised over dis past yr tt i'm built like tt, it's wat makes me "ME".

n juz realised tt dis is de most sombre n serious blog i've ever written... hmm... perhaps i've been hiding my inner feelings for too long? dun like 2 reveal my inner self 2 others much... reminds me of de johari's window we learnt in psych... dis is my hidden self u tink? haha... sch's becuming too much of a focus... need a shift of attn 2 other impt things in life.

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**jojo is still pouting @ |3:31 PM|

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